No Time To Panic

"So, have you found a job yet?"

"No, but I've had several interviews and I'm making some great contacts. I'm sure I'll have something soon. I just need to stay focused, stay positive and keep pushing forward. Let me know if you hear of any job openings that I might be interested in."

I am SO SICK of answering that question. I've got the answer memorized by now and can rattle it off without really concentrating on what I'm saying. The reality is, I'm daily fighting off a sense of panic that is beginning to interfere with my ability to eat, sleep or concentrate on anything except how I'm going to pay my bills. Intellectually, I realize that giving in to my desperation will ultimately doom my chances of finding a job. But emotionally I can't seem to turn my "PANIC BUTTON" off.

I take long walks, I clean house, I read stimulating self-help or motivational articles, I write in my blog. But as soon as I sit down at my desk to submit my resume, make a phone call or send an e-mail, I start shaking uncontrollably, my head starts spinning and my stomach starts churning so badly I'm forced to make a headlong rush to the bathroom.

I keep telling myself to ignore it all and take everything one moment at a time. Don't think about the 20 things that I should be doing. Think about the ONE THING that I am doing. I find myself thinking about Scarlett O'Hara a lot lately. "I can't think about that now. I'll think about it tomorrow." Maybe there's some wisdom in that philosophy, but sometimes I'm not even sure if what I doing at that moment is the best use of my time or if there's something else that may produce better results. I feel like I'm spinning in circles, lashing out at anything that gives even the tiniest hint that it might lead to a job.

And that will lead to failure. I know it as sure as I know that this job search will end. I've experienced that type of failure all too often and given in; taking whatever is dangled before me just to end the emotional torture. And, it's never turned out to be a good decision. Overcoming this particular form of failure in my life means acknowledging the panic & anxiety but still doing those things that will lead to the right kind of job (not just something to pay the bills).

So, I'm back to my "Job Search To-Do" list and I'll cross each item off my list without thinking about other distractions that creep into my consciousness. I'll pretend that this is my job. Somebody's paying me to market themselves to businesses looking for a service. If I can detach my personal feelings from this situation and pretend it's about someone else, maybe the panic will go away. Or maybe it won't.

Stay tuned to find out.

So Near . . . and yet so far

Okay, so we've all heard the legends and fables about great people who failed miserably, designed to give those of us slogging through the day-to-day challenges of survival some glimmer of hope that we, too, can become a great success. Babe Ruth struck out more than he homered; Thomas Edison made 10,000 attempts to invent the lightbulb; Abe Lincoln never succeeded at ANYTHING until he was elected President. Yes, these stories do make me feel better. Success isn't defined by our accomplishments, but by the persistent effort to continue doing what we know is right. But, in the end these stories are still meant to give us the idea that, ultimately, the final result is all that matters.

Instead, what if we look at it from another angle? Failure, in and of itself, can be an accomplishment. What do I mean by this? Consider:

• If I hadn't failed to go to college when I was younger, I wouldn't have felt the need to "prove" myself at every job I've held. Because I had no formal education I always felt that I had to do better, be faster & work harder than those who had degrees.
  
• If I hadn't failed at marriage (twice) I wouldn't have learned about who I am, what I want & what's really important to me. I've learned to believe in myself, trust my instincts and survive.
  
• If I hadn't failed at getting my dream job, I wouldn't be in a position to work on some very exciting and potentially lucrative projects.

So, let's reconsider our failures in light of what we gained by them. How about you? How would you finish this sentence?


"If I hadn't failed at _____________, I wouldn't have __________."

You Can't Be Serious!

With my apologies to John McEnroe, I'm starting this blog with what (I believe) most people will think when they read the title of this blog. But, bear with me for a few more minutes.

Maybe, it's because I'm deep in the throes of a job search or maybe it's because I'm going through a mid-life crises, but I think it goes far deeper than that. For years, I've been considered a failure by friends, family and even some co-workers.  After all, I don't own a home, drive an expensive car, wear the latest fashions, throw lavish parties, take vacations, date fabulous men (or anyone at all for that matter). Right now I don't even have a job or any form of steady income. What I've never been able to get across to these well-meaning, but misguided souls is that these things ARE NOT what defines our success or failure. Success is not about the visible, tangible or material things that most of our western culture equates with the term. It is being true to ourselves; adhering to those personal values and ideals that are the essence of who we are. For without them, we feel like fakes or hypocrites.

Now I can readily accede to the fact that someone else's personal values and ideals can embrace the traditional definition of success as well as the accompanying outward displays of that success. I, however, cannot. And so, I begin my blogging career by embracing my failures and choosing to share them with others in the hope that I'm not the only one who thinks this way.